Gambler's Redemption
by Jellie789
Summary: A short one-shot post Gambler's Fallacy. Rolivia friendship.


Amanda Rollins had thought she was well acquainted with rock bottom. She had hit it numerous times, after all. Once, when lying beneath her deputy chief in a seedy motel room back in Atlanta, and again when dropping to her knees before Declan Murphy in an illegal gambling club, to name but a few. But now, today, this was a new low. Although not being forced to perform sexual favours for men twice her age, rock bottom was standing looking her colleagues in the eye, knowing they knew too much. Usually, all of her sick, shameful secrets were wrapped up within her, for her eyes only.

The bruise to her right cheek bone burned, a scarlet letter, a public declaration of her weak will, a display to all of her usually well masked, rotten core. Both Nick and Fin's eyes had wandered to it briefly this morning before they grunted a reluctant greeting in her direction. She had sat down gingerly at her desk, her right hip aching, bruised from where Declan's blow had thrown her half way across a room, to land hard on an unforgiving floor.

When Amanda had arrived back at home last night, feeling raw and sore in more ways than one after Olivia had torn her apart in her office, she had been surprised to check her phone and see '1 new message from Olivia Benson'.

It had been short and to the point when she had opened it: _Desk duty._

Amanda had slumped against the back of her apartment door to close it, tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. It was more than she deserved, really, knowing Olivia would rather have transferred her to another unit with immediate effect. She had shrugged out of her coat, and shed the rest of her clothes en route to the bathroom. She had lost track of how long she had stood immersed beneath the almost uncomfortably hot water of her shower, her pale skin glowing red with a heat she wouldn't turn down. The pain numbed her, taking the edges off the harsh corners of the last few days.

"Rollins?"

The pit of her stomach dropped at her boss's voice, pulling her back to the present. She had barely switched her laptop on, and already Olivia had come out of the office to find her. The last thing in the world she had the strength for was another round with Olivia.

"My office," her sergeant instructed.

Panic grabbed her by the throat. What if Olivia had found her way to transfer her out? Reluctantly, Amanda rose from her chair and walked slowly – delaying the inevitable – into the small room annexed on to the top of the squad room. She could feel everyone's eyes on her, but she kept her gaze low. Olivia breezed to her chair with an air of confidence and superiority, and sat down behind her desk, removing her glasses and resting them atop a pile of precariously stacked files.

"Close the door, please," Olivia requested, and Amanda followed the instruction, standing with her back to it in case she needed to make a quick exit. "Amanda, I am not going to bite you, come over here and sit down," Olivia indicated to the chair on the opposing side of her desk.

Amanda eyed her boss, and then the chair with suspicion, as if worried it may burst into flames should she sit on it. Olivia's tone was neutral, but her use of Amanda's first name rather than a short, sharp _"Rollins!" _placated her slightly, and she walked to the office chair opposite Olivia. It was only when she sat down did she wonder if she was being lulled into a false sense of security instead. Amanda wished she had left her hair down instead of clipping it messily to the back of her head. She wouldn't mind hiding behind it right now. Briefly, she looked into Olivia's eyes before diverting her gaze around the office, taking in the familiar surroundings unnecessarily, knowing she wasn't hiding her discomfort in the slightest.

"Look at me," Olivia instructed in the same neutral tone, and although hard to do so, Amanda fixed her blue-eyed gaze on Olivia. "I want to talk to you-"

"You're transferring me?" Amanda interrupted, before she could stop herself.

"No," Olivia answered, simply. "I know I was really angry yesterday-"

"I deserved it," Amanda interrupted again, and she could feel the emotion building up within her. She took a deep, steady breath to try to quell it. She wouldn't cry in front of Olivia, not again. Though why that mattered, she didn't know. She had no dignity left anyway.

"Yes, you did," Olivia agreed, "And I stand by everything I said."

Amanda glanced down to where her hands were clasped together in her lap, her palms slick with cold sweat. She chewed the inside of her cheek.

"I know I was really angry yesterday," she repeated, "And don't know about you, but I didn't get much sleep last night after our conversation." Olivia stood up and walked round to Amanda's side of her desk. She leant against it and faced Amanda, just to the side of where the detective sat.

"I haven't slept for a long time," Amanda admitted softly, defeated by the tears that had been rising in her chest, one escaping to run down over her bruised cheek. She winced with pain when she rubbed it away, feeling the pressure from her fingertips tenfold over the tender, damaged skin.

"No, I don't suppose you have," Olivia acknowledged, her tone softer than Amanda deserved. "Anyway, when I was lying awake last night, do you know what I kept thinking about?" Olivia asked, and she pushed herself up to sit on her desk.

"Transferring me to the other side of the county?" Amanda suggested.

Olivia laughed, sympathetically, "No, Amanda. I couldn't stop my mind replaying the video Lieutenant Murphy showed me, where he told you he was UC."

Amanda's breath stalled in her lungs, and she understood there was a literal meaning to the phrase blood running cold, as she felt as if her heart had stopped and the warm liquid in her veins had frozen to a standstill.

"Oh, shit," Amanda gasped. She shot up to her feet, and with no intended destination, she began pacing the small, seemingly ever more confined space of the office, "He showed you that?" she asked, incredulous and humiliated, "I can't believe he showed you that," she added, more to herself than her superior. Dizzy with shame, Amanda sank down on the couch at the back of the room. "Sergeant, I didn't- I couldn't- oh god," she moaned, unable to find words to defend what she had been prepared to do in the backroom of that illegal gambling club; there were no words to define the desperation she had felt. And anyway, it wouldn't have been the first time. She leaned forwards and pressed her face into her knees, "Oh god, oh god," she repeated, and she pressed the bases of her palms against her temples in distress.

"Amanda," she heard the legs of the chair she had been sat on scrape against the floor, and she sensed Olivia sitting in it before her, "I am not bringing this up to upset you, or embarrass you, or punish you anymore."

She moaned something unintelligible when she felt Olivia's fingertips brush against one of her hands for a second; a fleeting, ghost of a touch – almost, tentatively, comfort. She wanted to ask why bring it up at all, then? But she didn't have the right, so she stayed silent, save her ragged breathing and the screaming panic in her head.

"When I watched that recording, Amanda, I was completely terrified for you, so I can't imagine the kind of fear you went through living it," Olivia's steady tone cut through the noise in her mind, "And I _never _want you in that sort of position again – period - but I absolutely never want you in that sort of position again because you have no one to turn to first. Do you understand what I am saying, Amanda?"

"No," Amanda whimpered, and she shook her head against her knees. She used her hands, still at her temples, to wind into her hair, pulling it tight between her fingers and loosening it from the confines of her clip. She deserved nothing.

"Don't do that, honey, you'll hurt yourself," Olivia murmured, and she felt the older woman's fingers grasp her own firmly now, in an attempt to loosen the fingers she had twisted in her hair, painfully pulling at the delicate, blonde strands. Amanda felt herself crumbling at Olivia's gentle words and unexpected touch. Unable to contain any more hurt, she cried heavily into her knees. "I am saying in future I want you to come to me, Amanda," Olivia continued, "I know we have had our differences in the past, but it kills me to know you had no one to turn to, to help put a stop to-"

"No one could have stopped me," Amanda sobbed.

"No," Olivia disagreed, finally managing to prize Amanda's hands from out of her hair and holding them between her own, "You couldn't have stopped yourself, but someone else could've. _I _could've stopped you before you ever got that far," she squeezed her detective's hands briefly before letting go, and Amanda immediately craved the contact again.

"I'm so sorry," Amanda whimpered between cries, feeling more pathetic by the second. Maybe it would be better if Olivia did turn around and say she had found a transfer for her, because that way she wouldn't have to look her sergeant in the eye ever again.

"I know you are, Amanda," Olivia recognised, with a softness that suggested a forgiveness Amanda did not warrant. "Look, why don't you go home, just take a day-"

"No," Amanda interjected, and she sat up and rubbed her hands over her face. The black flecks in the tears she transferred to her hands told her she had cried all of her mascara off and along with the state her hair she shuddered to think how much of a mess she looked in front of a woman from whom she had only ever craved respect, "I am better off here," she met Olivia's gaze and was equal parts thankful and ashamed that the anger of yesterday had dissipated so quickly, "Cragen once told me free time wasn't my friend, and he was right."

"He's a wise man," Olivia supposed, a hint of a smile making itself known at the corners of her mouth, "Ok, stay here, keep your head down, get on top of your paperwork."

"Copy that, sergeant," Amanda nodded, and began to rise up from the couch.

"Sit down, Amanda, I'm not finished," Olivia said, suddenly stern again, and Amanda jolted with surprise and froze half way between sitting and standing. Immediately, she began to steel herself for a further reprimand. She knew it was too good to be true, to hope this could be an end to it all, that the air could have been cleared. And while Amanda recognised she deserved whatever consequences came her way on top of the desk duty, she no longer had the physical, emotional or mental strength to withstand further punishment. If she had been standing at rock bottom before, she was on her knees there now she knew Olivia had seen Declan's grainy video and witnessed her disgrace. Whilst Amanda wasn't able to fall any further, she realised she could still be kicked while she was down, and she sighed as she dejectedly slumped back onto the couch.

"I mean it when I say I want you to come to me," Olivia said seriously, seeking out Amanda's blue eyes with a dip of her head, "Don't give me the "copy that, sergeant," crap and shut back down."

Although difficult to do so, Amanda maintained eye contact with her superior. After a few beats of awkward silence, Amanda realised Olivia was waiting for her response. It was her turn to speak, but she had no idea what Olivia needed to hear from her.

"What do you want from me?" Amanda asked quietly, at a loss.

"I want to be able to trust you again, Amanda!" Olivia suddenly sounded exasperated, "And I want you to trust me," she added.

"How can we do that?" Amanda laughed doubtfully, "I have ruined everything-"

"Stop!" Olivia held her hand out in front of Amanda, "Don't give me that, either. If you don't want to go home…if you're staying here, working, there is no time for…"

Olivia had trailled off, but Amanda was smart enough to be able to fill in the blanks: _wallowing in self-pity _fitted well.

"You get back on your feet," Olivia continued, "You work at rebuilding the trust between us – and the rest of the squad."

Just when Amanda thought she had no more tears left to shed, there they were, hot and spilling down her cheeks again.

"You _make _me trust you, Amanda," Olivia whispered, softening, and she leaned forward and took Amanda's hands in her own again, "You go back to GA-"

"I'm going tonight," Amanda sniffed, her voice wobbling with emotion.

"Good," Olivia squeezed her hands tight, "And you come to my office every morning to check in with me. Tell me how you're doing. And I want you to be honest with me."

This was terrifying. She could walk into a GA meeting and open up to a room full of strangers, but the idea of doing the same with Olivia, trusting her, had her immediately on edge.

"I know it's scary, Amanda," Olivia admitted, as if she had read her mind, "But I meant it when I said I don't want you to ever be in a position where you have no one to turn to again."

Amanda studied Olivia's face closely, unsure as to the true meaning behind Olivia's words. Never in her wildest dreams would she let herself believe Olivia Benson would be alluding to them having any kind of friendship or personal relationship outside of their professional one…yet that appeared to be what Olivia was insinuating, as her suggestion of support went well above and beyond the level expected from a superior to a subordinate.

Amanda nodded slowly in response, unsure of what – if any – verbal response was appropriate. Olivia appeared to be studying Amanda back with equal intensity, and after a few seconds, apparently saw whatever she was looking for in the other woman's face, as she sat back in her chair and loosened her hold on Amanda's hands.

"Ok, you can go," Olivia eventually spoke, quietly. But when Amanda stood to leave a second time, she tightened her fingers around Amanda's smaller hands once more, "I mean it, Amanda," she said, sombre, and with a level of care Amanda never anticipated would be directed to herself, "I don't want you to get hurt. No matter how angry I could be…that's more important, ok?" she whispered, and there was a hint of a tear glistening in the corner of Olivia's eye now.

The instinct to cry rose up within Amanda again, but for entirely different reasons other than shame and defeat now. She wasn't sure when, but at some point in her past the idea that someone would see her faults but have the grace to care about her in spite of them had left her entirely. For a longest time, the people in her world had hurt her and taken what they could get from her, never stopping to even view the damaged caused, let alone care or put anything back.

"Ok," Amanda agreed, her voice thick with pent up emotion and she headed for the door to the office, quickly slipping her hands out of Olivia's before she could break down once more.

"I'll see you in here in the morning, Amanda," Olivia said, business like once more as she stood up and tucked the chair she had been sat in neatly under the guest side of her desk, before rounding it and setting herself back in her rightful place behind it.

"You will," Amanda promised she shut the door behind her, the promise of all not being lost, of being able to achieve redemption lifting her from her knees and back to her feet once more.


End file.
